Reason #88 why I'm single

Today has been so busy that I wound up taking a working lunch. But no worries I thought, I’ll just enjoy some Cheddar Chex Mix and keep plugging away. Oh Cheddar Chex mix… seriously one of the most addicting snacks and not surprisingly, I mindlessly grazed through a good portion of the bag. Unfortunately, I might have underestimated one particular pinch of cheddary goodness I was about to devour.  As I brought the little handful to my mouth, out of the corner of my eye I saw one chex go rogue. I immediately stood up to look around for the little guy but he was nowhere to be found. I actually started to get self conscious and began to pat myself down and check my hair. Still no luck. As I continued to look around at the floor, I glance down at my black t-shirt and wouldn’t you know, there’s a trail of cheddar... like a perfect outline of the trajectory that starts at the scoop neck part of my shirt and stops by my right boob (yes.. I said boob). At first I was all excited that they were big enough that the chex didn't fall straight to the floor but then I felt like a total fat-ass for actually having a line of cheddar, like a diabetic’s version of coke, on said boob. Any who... short story long (yes I said short story long too).... I followed the path of the chex but still couldn’t find the cheddary bastard.

I'm praying no one else saw this and that it doesn’t come up somewhere embarrasing, because I'm pretty sure this is one of the long lists of reasons why I'm single.

I'm horribly awkward.

It has been brought to my attention... no, who am I kidding, I knew all along about this...

But I am extremely awkward.

Now normally this wouldn't be so much of a problem, I've come to own it. But now that I'm single this does not help in the dating department... In fact, I'm pretty sure that what ever chance I have of meeting "someone" probably won't go well. And I think that's why I'm scared shitless of actually dating again. Seriously how did I do this before? I'm going to blame college and the never ending supply of friends of a friend, because now as an "adult" I am at a lost of how to meet someone. I tried the grocery store and while I do plan on trying that again (i.e. better store, more opportune timing... like when they are preparing for a cookout, I'll be hanging out in the beer aisle, casually leaning against a 30 rack of budlight with a basket of buns and patties...) there's a strong possibility that will not work. The bar, I am told, is not the best place to meet someone either. And I'm starting to realize that sitting at home after work does not help the potential either. But nontheless, here I sit typing...

So what do I do? There's no way in hell I am signing up for match.com or some other online dating website (my grandmother suggested christian mingle....). A co-worker suggested I join a running group... um hello, I can barely play soccer... I doubt running at 5am is going to increase my chances.

And you know what the worst part is... I actually don't want to date... I would like to skip forward to the part where we are comfortable with each other and I'm swearing at them in my head because I tripped over their shoes that I already asked them twice to put away... I'm pretty sure that's what real love is....

Nothing new.

Well you keep coming back (not that I'm pathetic and check that stuff...) so I figured I should post something. Sooooo... ya... um... I'm sorry. I have nothing to really share. Hopefully I will soon. This whole getting a new life thing is weird. Turns out I have a lot of spare time that doesn't involve impromptu dinner outings or texting/calling anymore. So now I sit at home and watch shows like Gossip Girl... yes, please judge me. Even I'm disgusted with myself. But in all honesty, I had to.

You see, I tried watching The Walking Dead. And as much as I think that show is amazing and quite frankly, I love anything zombie-related, unfortunately when its time for my head to hit the pillow and I'm in those critical moments about to fall into a deep sleep, my brain all of a sudden goes "Hey.. you know what we haven't thought about in a while? Zombies. Remember that face? You know the one that barely has any skin, sunken eyes and disgusting gum line.... ya remember how it was breathing? Remember that scene where the zombies are trying to get inside the abandoned houses in that development and the survivors are stuck in the garage? Could you imagine if you looked out your window and saw zombies staggering around? What would you do?" And even though I try and think of anything, shoes, what to wear to work tomorrow, what kind of dog I would like, hell even thinking about someone else... Nope... back to zombies and how I'm horribly unprepared.

I guess its more of a love/hate relationship? To my keep my mind off that and to hopefully get more sleep, I decided to try and watch other shows... so far so good. Because now, right before I fall asleep I think about those stupid girls, with their stupid trust funds, contemplating what stupid Ivy league school to go or which boy to mess with... damn high schoolers.... <----See, this is where I become pathetic....

So ya, I haven't been up to much of anything and can't think of any good stories to share with you guys.

Although, I did try to go grocery shopping on a Friday night to see what kind of people are there. I told my brother this and he informed me I should reconsider what I do for fun on Friday nights. Anywho... Like I said, I wanted to check it out and I actually needed to get groceries. I had a feeling going to the Bucket wasn't the best place to do my research, but I can't afford that fancy Hannafords or Shaw's stuff. I noticed as soon as I walked through the Bucket's automatic doors, Friday nights are diversity nights. But! There was also a sprinkling of attractive guys.

I started my grocery shopping and tried to enjoy the random bits of eye candy but after the first aisle, yes the first aisle, I realized again, I am so not ready for this. I spent a majority of my shopping looking at either the shelves or the tiled floor. When it came time for me to check out, I was minding my own business loading the groceries on the counter and I hear "That should be a diamond on your finger". I look down at my finger immediately, it was as if I thought he was mistaken. Haha nope... no diamond there, just a large turquoise ring.

So then I look up, thinking maybe it'll be something good... And that's when I see... baggy pants... In my head I'm thinking "Aww noooo".... Scanning upward I see, one shirt? No two. Two over sized shirts... "Noooo... Maybe?? Ehh noooo" .... A six pack of natty-ice.... "yuck"... Keep scanning up and I see, ghetto flat brimmed hat and a face to match... "dammit"... just my damn luck. I wish I could tell you I said something witty to shoot him down or at least something funny, but no, I say in the lowest voice ever "ohh...." and quickly went back to putting my groceries on the counter while he went on to serenade me with the Thunder Song from the movie Ted. I can't make this up.

So yup. That's the most exciting thing that's happened. I think next time I'll try going to the fancy stores and walk around filling my basket as if I shop there. And then I'll walk back around and put away all of my groceries, nonchalantly of course... (Hey I can dream can't I?). Hell, maybe I'll treat myself to a $10 pomegranate and then finish shopping at the ever affordable, yet not adorable, Bucket.

Ugh. Wish me luck. Or hell... come watch....

Am I the only one?

Am I the only one... that gets so excited to drink water that they choke on it?

I was sitting at my new desk, surrounded by people who don't fully understand my "quirkiness" yet (and probably never will). I had just refilled my water bottle and took a big swig when all of sudden it was like my esophagus said "No... no water Stacey". And then I get that overwhelming panic of, OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO CHOKE, and I'm stuck deciding between coughing up the water on my keyboard or forcing it down. This time, because I'll admit this probably happens once a week, I was able to not ruin my work keyboard or documents but I envitably erupted into a fit of coughing, which of course gets the attention of everyone around me. I sit there trying not to cough, but that only makes it worse, and then my eyes water, uncontrolably... to the point of where mascara starts to run. My god I am awkard. Wasn't this lesson one in life? Being able to drink? Twenty-five years later... I still fail at it.

Miserable business idea.

What is the deal with watching romantic girly chick flicks when your heart is most vulnerable?

Its like you're teasing yourself with this over-the-top view of how love should be. What happens to that couple after those credit roll, when that honeymoon phase of being together really stops? Because that's the movie that is hard to watch. (Seriously, The Breakup was a horrible and shitty movie. No disrespect to Vince Vaughn fans but really, that movie was painful to watch.)

Therefore, I think you should have to answer a series of questions before even getting to the opening scene of a sappy romance film. Like a heartache breathalyzer. If you happen to be at a borderline limit of heartache then Transformers or Anchorman will be (gently) suggested. If you're way passed the limit and dangerously drunk on heartbreak, well then, you get to watch The Boondock Saints or Fight Club or hell, Horton Hears a Damn Who.

I'm not sure how to go about this heartache breathalyzer, but I have a feeling once I sober up from this wine I'll be able to think more clearly on the business venture... or I'll just take down this post....and change the channel....

Annoyed.

Dear co-workers,

I just have a simple question. What is the deal with clipping your nails at work, AT YOUR DESK?? Its been three years... and I'm about to go crazy (for real this time). I understand life gets the best of us and sometimes it takes typing at keyboard to realize how bad your nails have gotten, but for the love of god and my stomach, can't you go into the bathroom to take care of your personal hygiene?! With every clip, I pray that you succeed in scoring in that tiny itty bitty trash bin you are aiming for. I really try not to think about if you miss, because honestly, if you're already willy-nilly clipping your nails at your desk then what's the say you care about the rogue pieces that land on the carpet... yep, I shouldn't have wrote that..... I'm gonna be sick. But seriously, knock that shit out.

However, if you decided to keep doing it, then I'll start bringing in nail polisher remover (that smells wonderful) and give myself a manicure at my desk, weekly. You've been warned.


Sincerely,
Stacey Chick

Facebook is an asshole. Part 2.

So a couple months ago, as you may remember, I wrote an open letter to facebook asking them to be a little more respectful and put better thought into the ads they showed on my wall. I think my letter fell on deaf ears....

Fungo Face.



Source: http://www.americanfitness.net/



When I was a sophomore in high school I pretty much had life figured out. Just kidding, but I was a manager for the Boys Baseball team. It was a pretty sweet gig. I got to manage with my best friends Amy and Becky. We liked to think that we did a lot of important and helpful things, but really all we did was fill a 5 gallon cooler with ice and water and then struggle to carry it from the locker room to the baseball field.

Boy did we struggle. Even though I played soccer, I had no upper body strength that was hatsoever beneficial to carrying that beast. Plus have you seen the handles on those things? There really was no convenient way to carry it. The cooler was either too heavy to carry alone or too awkward to carry with two people. We would beg the trainer who had the sweet golf cart to let us put the cooler on his cart and drive to the field but that would only happen a handful of times.

By the end of our first season with the team, I think the boys felt really bad for us because they started carrying the cooler to the field themselves.... or they probably got sick of us complaining.

But when I think back to those baseball days there is one memory that really stands out. It was a couple weeks into the start of our very first season. Amy, Becky and I were glued to each other's hips and were often found sitting on the bleachers or off to the side giggling like HS girls do in a room full of boys. One day we were at the gym in Recreation Center that was just behind the high school to watch them practice. At the time I actually worked at the Rec Center a few nights a week so I knew all the ins-and-outs of the place and had keys to everything. This would prove to be very useful.

So there we sat, on top of a table that was used for score keepers for basketball games. Somehow we got our hands on a bat and somehow I got sole custody of that bat.

 I didn't know it at the time but it was a fungo bat. As we sat upon the table chatting away, one of the players made the motion of throwing a tennis ball at us. Being naive and cocky as hell, as HS girls can be, I yelled back to him to *really* throw it.

I brought the bat back into the "ready position" and prepared for the throw. If I recall correctly, Amy moved out of the way. That probably should’ve been my first clue that something about this wasn’t going to work.

Well I didn’t take into account the laws of physics or common sense really, and when the ball was lobbed to me… I swung away…. To this day I’m not sure if I even hit the ball or whiffed it, but I do know for a fact I had a solid swing and I made contact with something…

I made contact with Becky’s face. Specifically and *luckily?* her forehead. Before I knew what I had done I could hear Becky saying (or yelling maybe?) a muffled “Oooomygodmyfaceoooo”. I instantly panicked and got super embarrassed for hitting my friend in the face.

 I tried to make the situation better by running to the storage room in the Rec Center where we had an ice machine and made a baggy of ice for her to apply to her face.

I remember as I brought the bag of ice over to her I could already see the lump on her forehead. Somewhere in or around that moment the guys on the team started calling her “Fungo Face”. Oh and did I mention that our sophomore semi-formal was the following weekend? Yup. I think someone made a comment about how lucky she was that I didn’t hit her in the mouth and break her teeth. I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach, full of guilt, but all I could say was “Ya… but its ok mom’s a dentist and she would’ve fixed it” (Unfortunately this wouldn’t be the only time I’d say that) (Oh and I should note, my mom isn’t actually a dentist, she’s a dental assistant…not that that is a bad thing, its just ya know... not the *same* thing)

Anywho… after the incident if I recall correctly, the lump on her forehead went away before the semi-formal, but the name lived on for quite a while. I visited Becky last year in Moab and she asked if I remembered people calling her fungo face… and oh… I did. Thank god we laughed retelling the story...

 

Facebook is an asshole.

Dear Facebook,

I write to you as a concerned user. I have been a faithful patron since 2005. Remember when you were just a year or two old and the talk of social media was only a whsiper? I've been with you for all the ups and down of interface changes, privacy issues, and the increasing amount of notifications. Some people consider you smothering and deleted you, only to return in a mere 6 months. I have never left you.

But just recently (today) I've notice a change in you. This week has been crazy and only yesterday I changed my facebook status to "single". I made sure to remove this update from my news feed immediately and I hoped we could all quietly move on from this. You, however, decided to take this "opportunity" to update my ads. I never really notice them to be honest, they were mostly just make-up suggestions and drinking things. But you have really kicked a girl when she's down with this and I will not stand for it.

I understand my profile admits that I'm originally from Rochester, but really? An unexpected pregnancy ad followed by a match.com ad? How did you come to that conclusion really? And at least give me a year or two before suggesting match.com, I think I deserve that respect.

And is this necessary? You're already making suggestions for me? Facebook you know me! Why would you even suggest that ad but most importantly, WHY SO DAMN SOON? Again, I only clicked "single" yesterday! I do admire your suggestion of Mud, Beer, Music, and Glory for some competition but I am still hurt by your smack in the face of ads reminding me I am in fact single...

I sincerely hope you clean up your act and change your ways. Until then I'm searching for shoes, lots of shoes! with the hope that my ads will refer to only shoes...
Match.com.... pfft... I thought you were better than this....

Sincerely,
Stacey Chick


(Original post on 3/9/12)

I think he saved like $2.00.

....so I went to the kitchen at work to make some popcorn and I notice this co-worker is rinsing his turkey deli meat in the sink... even letting the slices that he already rinsed rest on the bottom of the sink near the drain... I asked what he was doing and he said they "weren't quite fresh anymore" and he didn't want to throw them away... he then assembled a sandwich out of said deli meat. I lost my appetite.

Slightly funny. 100% Pathetic.

These times they are a chaging.

A lot of things have changed in the past weekend. I'd rather not get into too many details but I told a few friends this story and they laughed (hard), so I figured it would be good enough for here...

So this past Friday after careful consideration, he-who-shall-not-be-named and I have splits ways and which makes me now single. This is not the funny part.

What is the funny part is that while I was a blubbering mess I really needed to blow my nose... and I slightly needed to pee.... So I went to bathroom and realize that I was completely out of toilet paper, like down to the cardboard. The worst part is that I couldn't be mad at anyone but myself because I live on my own. I was that asshole... to myself.... But I start to think, "Ok, life sucks but I'll blow my nose with a paper towel." NOPE. I somehow forgot that I was out of paper towels too... who does that to themselves???

So there I stood, a complete hot mess, mascara everywhere, my nose a little runny and a growing desire to pee. I finally got up the nerve, wiped off my makeup completely and ventured in to public. Where you ask? Why WalMart of course! I went to where they wouldn't judge me, at least not that bad. I left WalMart defiantly with 6 rolls of toilet paper (sale!) and a rather large bottle of wine.

Overall the night sucked, but it was nice to see that even in shitty times my luck is ever the same....


(Original post on 3/6/12)