Limps, Signs and Placards.

So this whole *writing almost every day for the world to see* thing is still pretty challenging. I have a ten-page running Word doc open with ideas galore. But as soon as I say “Ok, organize this and hit publish” all that comes up is “Uhhh, what should I write for the first sentence?” So once again, here is a boring opening paragraph that will surely draw you in.

How about I fill you in on what is happening in the life of that Chick girl? Today I found out my knee is ready for surgery. When I tore my ACL and all that other fun stuff, the swelling my knee was so severe that I had to wait to have surgery so that I wouldn’t traumatize my knee again too soon and risk possibly never getting my full mobility back. Ironically, just barely a week after the incident, my doctor recommended that I should start walking on it without my crutches or brace. This was supposed to improve my pimp walk… I mean, get my knee strength back. Initially it was painful and awkward. Now, after two weeks and going to physical therapy, it feels like its back to normal… almost. Randomly I'll get this feeling that my knee wants to give out or it actually buckles. It’s also accompanied with a wave of nausea… But it passes and I’m back to moving again. I’ve noticed however, that if I sit at my work desk for too long it will stiffen up and I look like Frankenstein on her way to the bathroom. (One coworker has nicknamed me *Stumbelina*)

Since this happened almost three weeks ago, I’m pretty sure I’ve manage to tell everyone in my office (by the onesies) why I was walking with such a funny limp AND why my doctor says I should be walking on it. I work in an office environment that bears an uncanny resemblance to a Dilbert comic strip mixed with a hint of Office Space; So no matter how inconspicuous I tried to be, someone as graceful as me on crutches just wasn't going to go by unnoticed. That first week I felt like holding up a sign that says, “Why yes, I am on crutches and wearing a huge leg brace. It’s from a skiing accident. Not sure what is wrong yet. Hurts a lot.” Last week I felt like having a sign that stated, “Torn ACL. Torn Meniscus. Strained MCL. Bone fracture in Tibia. I did good.” This week the big question has been, “When are you having surgery!?” to which my sign would say, “Cleared for surgery. Date unknown at this time.” But I'm not sure I can actually set up a sign like that at work so I'll stick to telling people when they ask...

One of the biggest things I have taken away from this injury is that I think I would have loved being an MRI tech or working somewhere that designs biomedical devices. Things like the TENS unit has thoroughly intrigued me and I couldn't stop talking to the MRI tech about how it worked. But since I honestly have no desire to go back to school just yet, nor could I afford to spend any more money on school, I’ll put that one on the back burner. Funny though, had this injury happened a lot sooner in my life I wonder if I would’ve pursued careers in those areas. 

But moving on... Have I told you that because of this injury I now have a handicap placard for my car? At first when I was on crutches that little wheelie guy was a blessing. Now that my knee is starting to get better I feel a little embarrassed getting out of my car without having any physical symptoms showing I need it. Some days it will stiffen up on the drive to where ever I’m going so I do get a funny limp when I get out of the car but lately it doesn’t look like I’ve done anything to deserve that sweet parking spot near the door. It’s only a three month temporary placard and I’m sure after my surgery I’ll definitely need it but for now I feel a little guilty using it.... Well, until that moment my knee buckles and I want to cry and vomit at the same time.

I suppose that’s all I have for you today. I could go on and tell you about my latest addiction to having hot coco every afternoon but I’m pretty sure I just saw your mouse move towards the “X” in the corner of the screen so I’ll take that as my cue to peace the hell out.

*Insert snazzy sign off here*

You have to start somewhere.

I swear the first sentence is always the hardest. So since I've already knocked that out, let’s discuss something that made me want to smack myself in the face this weekend.

As I last left off I told you I wanted to move forward and really start to make changes. This past weekend I was cleaning my condo and after staring at my bedroom for a while I started to think that if I bought a new comforter and maybe some sheer curtains that would brighten up my room, I would feel better. But here’s the thing. I don’t have any money to spend on such purchases but I got it in my head that I wouldn’t feel better till I had new bedroom décor. So off to Amazon I went in search of a décor that would brighten my room and therefore my life. But after setting up my shopping cart and getting ready to hit purchase I paused and realized I felt this guilt. I don’t have the money for this stuff so what makes me think I can possibly afford any of this. My room is fine. It’s my attitude that needs to change. If I want to brighten my room, why don’t I open those dusty blinds and maybe add some $7 flowers… And that my friends, is what I did.

I’m pretty sure you could classify me as a binge shopper. My credit card debt would tell you such too. Before my surgery last October I went into this whirlwind of shopping like crazy… I had to have this shirt to feel better, I needed the latest face cream from Ulta to not feel stressed, hell, a pair of boots would make me feel confident… I spent over $200. I already felt the guilt of spending so much money as soon as I got home and saw my damage. I kept the tags on everything and after my surgery, when my head was clearer, I returned everything. “Anything wrong with these items?” Nope. “Reason for return?” Over-zealous shopper…

I almost made that same mistake this weekend and updated my bedroom. I’m slightly proud of myself for not actually buying anything but the fact I go in these moments of extreme shopping needs to stop. My credit card debt is nothing to be proud of. I’m almost 26 and the weight of all that debt combined with my student loans is starting to get heavy. It’s time to grow the hell up.

A lot of times before going to bed, I wonder what I would do if I didn’t have any debt, if I didn’t have almost $1200 a month going to loans… I dream of someone coming up to me going “Here, I paid off everything, go live your life!” or what it would’ve been like if my parents had paid for my college. I buy $2 scratch tickets every now and then with the feeling of “This is the one. With this ticket, I am totally going to win the max $20,000 and start to get my life together.” I rarely win over $2. I did win $40 once and I thought hell yes! I’m on the road to the big winnings… and then it’s back to random $2 winnings…

 I dream of getting out of debt quickly but in reality, I did a lot of damage and similar to losing weight, it didn’t happen in a day and it’s going to take a lot of work and determination to lower that number again. And in all honesty, it’s time to realize no one is going to pay off my debt for me. If I put as much time and effort as I did into hoping and dreaming and buying scratch tickets, I would probably be out of credit card debt by now… My student loans? Ya well I’ll probably have those for another 28 years…

It's time to realize I can get out of most of this debt with slow wins. Eating out less. Only going grocery shopping for what I need. Staying the hell away from Target haha. Sometimes this is easier said than done. Like in those moments with friends, its easy to say yes to dinner AND drinks. In my last post I mentioned that I’m realizing its time to say No to things. The more I say No to little things like a new comforter, curtains or that glass of gin and tonic, the more I might be able to say yes to bigger things, like say vacations… tropical vacations. Haha we’ll see… A tropical vacation is a long ways away from happening; Maybe what I needed all along was some $7 tulips.

First Step.

Sometimes when I’m driving or relaxing or sitting at work, I write amazing and awesome blog posts. In my head though. Never pen to paper or keyboard to Word. And what frustrates me the most is that I’ll have this amazing story and when I finally get to typing it in… it’s all gone. I know for me personally writing is healing for me. But sometimes, when life gets crazy, the thought of actually writing tires me out. Then I get to a breaking point and write like my life depends on it and things start to become clear again. So why am I constantly putting off something so simple?

This weekend I’ve decided its time to just write. As much as I can. Whether it’s to vent, to make a statement, or to share a story about my life, I’m going to just write it down. Here specifically. And like I said in my last story, I have come to terms that I am not the blogger that will have all those amazing photos. I tried, and failed. But I did try. I think the camera on my phone breaking and being completely unable to “open” was my last straw.

Also things this blog will probably never be. A crafty, designer blog. Or even a fashionista blog. I don’t have a very fashionable wardrobe of clothes… If anything I like to call my style comfortable. I don’t need to get dressed up for work so I don’t focus on cute blazers, heels or curling my hair. And I’m ok with that. You probably won’t find any advice or tips or daily exercise plans here. I doubt I will ever run a marathon or do anything of the sort.

But what you will find is me. Trying to figure things out. Recapping moments in my life that have shaped me into the person I am today. A 25 year old (almost 26) that’s pretty broke. Who is finally learning it’s time to say no to certain things so that better things can happen. You’ll find I’m basically stumbling through life. I have a lot of good things going for me but a many times I have a hard time finding the positive. I seem to get stuck in finding the negative and sometimes I wonder if I like it. But I know I don’t want to be that way. I hope by writing here, for the world to see, I will be reminded of all the good things I do have and how much I have left to accomplish. I have noticed lately that, for lack of a better phrase, I haven’t stopped to smell the roses. I find myself just passing through life. Weeks have gone by and good intentions have passed but I haven’t actually accomplished things or even noticed the time has passed.

I feel lethargic about life a lot. I stay in bed a little too long too often. I think I’m content with literally doing nothing but then I have regret that I’ve wasted so much time. I joke that I don’t want to be a lifer in this area or this job or something… but I haven’t been actively doing things to change that. It’s time to change and get out of this rut. I know I’m missing out on great opportunities, even if it’s just getting coffee with a friend. I know with writing, I’ll be able to see things clearly and start to map out my next moves. And maybe along with writing more, the funny stories I know I have deep inside of me will be able to come out faster. And maybe I will evolve to become a different type of blogger.

But this is my first step, an easy one… just writing.

Honest, raw, uncategorized, sometimes boring, sometimes epic, random writing.